


Mendel eats dirt

by frog_potato



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29057706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frog_potato/pseuds/frog_potato
Summary: Mendel, dirt, and true love. What three words go better together. In this inter dimensional time traveling fanfic featuring our favorite great comet character Mr. Bananatole Kuragin
Relationships: Mendel/Dirt, mendel & dirt
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Mendel eats dirt

**Author's Note:**

> Let me preface this by saying that the actual story was randomly generated. I have just edited it to make it worse. Buckle up for possibly the worst fanfiction known to man
> 
> Also, I would like to say that I don’t actually recall editing much of this horrendously written fanfiction which I already regret writing.

A/N: i feel like I need to repeat that I am not responsible for the plot or general word choice. I used a random generator.  
\---  
Meanwhile, Mendel Weisenbachfields mind was wondered back to the past. It was Mendel Weisenbachfields unspecified occasion party which everyone was invited too.  
The party was awesome as always, because Dirt was hosting it  
Mendel Weisenbachfield was pretty drunk that day.  
If Mendel Weisenbachfield was honest, He couldn't remember much that happened.  
Only something about gay porn, music videos, and hackers.

There was one thing that stuck in His mind though. Something He would never forget Dirt.  
Dirt was wearing a The LESBIANS FROM NEXT DOOR mask that night 

Everyone had come as something or someone else. It was a party, a celebration, an all around fun time to celebrate an unspecified occasion. 

DIRT WAS DRESSed as TRINA.  
TRINA WAS DRESSed as THE LESBIANS FROM NEXT DOOR.  
THE LESBIANS FROM NEXT DOOR WAS DRESSed as Mendel Weisenbachfield.  
Mendel Weisenbachfield was dressed as Anatole Kuragin.  
And Anatole Kuragin was dressed as feet.  
Mendel Weisenbachfield was instantly attracted to Dirt. The way the dirt moved. The way the dirt talked.The way The dirt flicked Its hair.  
Dirt was doing a Karaoke number.  
It was "i got you babe". And The dirt’s singing was awesome.  
He sung like a true seductor. Everyone in the audience was transfixed by the dirts beautiful tenor voice. (Truth be told the dirt was not in fact alive, but rather a mass hallucination caused by the tragedy that was the tonys the year falsettos was nominated) 

Mendel Weisenbachfield got up and sang too.  
When Dirt was singing i got you babe it was like the words spoke to Him. Dirt seemed to be addressing each word of the song just to Him. The room faded away and it was just the two of them. No one else in the world.  
They gazed into eachother eyes as Dirt spoke the last lyric.  
Then silence.

Suddenly, Mendel Weisenbachfield was woken out of the flashback by the present  
\---  
They thought the story was over... but was it...? No.  
Here are the next cool adventures!!

\---  
The next time they saw eachother Dirt winked at Mendel Weisenbachfield, remembering what happened at the party.Mendel Weisenbachfield blushed.  
Some of the others giggled. Did they know? Mendel Weisenbachfield didn't care.  
\----  
Mendel Weisenbachfield woke up one day and discovered that he was goth. His parents had come to him and told him that he was actually half vampire half werewolf.

So now knowing that Mendel Weisenbachfield was the relative of Edward Cullen, Mendel Weisenbachfield saw that he had to change everything about him because he was not really what he thought he was  
But luck would have it that Mendel Weisenbachfield's best friends Trina and Marya Dimetrievna had heard the news of Mendel Weisenbachfield's parents and that they had arranged to accompany Mendel Weisenbachfield on his journey to find himself. First stop....the shopping centre!

At the shoppingcenter Mendel Weisenbachfield went to all the cool black clothes stores. Now that he was really a half vampire, or as his parents told him, a dhampire (a/n: really, that's what they're called!), his parents had given him a credit card with ulminited funds to become his true self! If his skin was to sparkle in the sunlight, his outfits had to do the same

But Mendel Weisenbachfield was really actually very drepssed. It was really hard to suddenly discoger that your parents had lied to you all those yaers and it wasn't made it any better by Mendel Weisenbachfield suddenly remembering a horrible thuing of his past. Mendel Weisenbachfield was accidentally married to Rick Astley after he sold his soul to satan for some rocks. And now Mendel Weisenbachfield also remembered that Rick Astley was kidnapped by aliens he didn't dare to tell Trina and Marya Dimetrianvna because he was afraid that thye would discover what had happened to Mendel Weisenbachfield and why Mendel Weisenbachfield was depressed 

Mendel Weisenbachfield decided to get some acrylic nails to match his new emo vampire werewolf clothing but when he walked into the salon he saw Dirt standing there. Mendel Tried to pay attention to the HGTV show playing on the television as the nail tech glued his acrylics on

But it was so difficult because Mendel Weisenbachfield.... really loved Dirt!

Mendel Weisenbachfield knew these were wrong feelings to have because... younknow, it's Dirt and their love would make life very difficult because Mendel Weisenbachfield also remembered a prophecy that someone had told him in the past (before he married Rick Astley) and that said that if Mendel Weisenbachfield would ever fall in love with Dirt, that then Anatole Kuragin would find them and kill them!

And as Mendel Weisenbachfield was putting on some new blood red ankle spikes that went well with the dark black studded dog collar that Trina had recommended, Mendel Weisenbachfield suddenly saw a glint in the distance and he knew instantly what it was: it was the diamond ring of Anatole Kuragin! They had come to haunt Mendel Weisenbachfield and destroy Dirt  
Fortunately Marvin and Whizzer worked at a newspaper nowadays and he used the database of the newspaper to find out home turf of Anatole Kuragin's ruffians.  
Their search led to a night club in the darkiest and stormiest part of New york. Mendel Weisenbachfield was a little hesitant to go. It was rather scary and it was dark and stomy in that secting of New york. But the courage in him was greater than his fear because with his mediocre Psychiatrist powers he should be able to accomplish anything, right, Mendel Weisenbachfield thought to himself And Marvin and Whizzer would join Mendel Weisenbachfield  
So not to fall out of fashion they both donned their most gothyest clothing.  
Rather that worry how he broke his wedding vows with Rick Astley (he gave him up and let him down) Mendel Weisenbachfield instead poored down his soul into his make-up. He bore gorgeous blood-rose coloured finger nails with black streaking zig-zags and gave Marvin and Whizzer matching treatment because that’s what friend do. 

Then they went off and defeated Anatole Kuragin We are almost there I..I can sense it"  
He walked around, stopping  
So they proceeded. This went on for sometime.  
They walked about for a bit, stopping outside a tall mansion.  
"Anatole Kuragin....They is here", said Mendel Weisenbachfiel As they entered, it was strangely and creepily abandoned.  
"Come on" said Mendel Weisenbachfield

..and then they went on their way!

"Lets take the ventalation shaft!"  
"Thats a good plan, so we can sneak to the roof undetected"  
So they got into the ventilation shaft. They traveled upto the roof, ver the ducks, thus avoiding the security systems because they are smart. We are here, said Mendel Weisenbachfield crawling out the duck, and putting his shirt on.  
\---  
Mendel Weisenbachfield had some time before he had to do anything, so He decided to have another flashback.

It was just after the Karaoke. They had stepped of the stage to loud applause and were now looking at eachother "Hi" Mendel Weisenbachfield said, meekly "Hay" Dirt said meekly. (Don’t ask the logistics of how an inanimate object such as dirt seems so be human, I can assure you that the random generator only gave me an option to make dirt a human which makes the entire “Mendel eats dirt” title quite problematic and moderately suggestive if you think about it for long enough)  
Of course Mendel Weisenbachfield was hallucinating. The dirt that he just sang Karaoke was no more alive than whizzer by the end of falsettos. 

In fact most of the people were incredibly confused why Mendel was even singing karaoke with a pile of dirt. They didn’t question it though. Stranger things have happened in the falsettos-great comet-theatrical universe (FGCTU for short) 

\---  
"So you have come" said a voice booming from the sky A bi-plane appeared above them.  
Anatole Kuragin laughed at them from it "Ha Ha Ha Ha"  
"I could gun you all down from here with my mace, but I would rather do this...personal style."  
they leaped down and landed at the far side of the rooftop  
"Ready?" they said, still laughing. 

Mendel Weisenbachfield removed his shirt and flexed his abs.  
"Yes. I am ready. "  
With that they leaped at eachother, metaphorical guns blazzing (which were littoral clubs).  
"I kill you dead"  
Anatole Kuragin head butted Mendel Weisenbachfield in the chest and did a dramatic spin in his rather fashionable 19th century green Russian jacket

Mendel Weisenbachfield fell backwards in pain punching a few times before crashing to the ground.  
"Ha Ha Ha Ha" laughed Anatole Kuragin  
"You could never have defeated me, so why did you even try?" "I had too, for all that is good and just in the world."  
"Well now you will die. Goodbye."  
Anatole Kuragin leaned over Mendel Weisenbachfield holding a large rock. "Quick Mendel Weisenbachfield use this!" said Ben platt as he was walking by, chucking a nearby barbie doll towards Mendel Weisenbachfield.  
Mendel Weisenbachfield grabbed it and chucked it towards Anatole Kuragin hard, knocking them backwards....off the edge of the tall skyscrapper they were on!  
"Goodbye, Anatole Kuragin have a nice fall!"  
"ARrrrrgggg" 

"We are safe now, Bananatole Kuragin has called to his doom” 

Mendel turned to the pile of dirt, and tenderly cronmched a bite. 

The End


End file.
